a little space i call my own

i need to know

today is one of the worst days. yesterday was worse. but today is worser.

yet again, a day. a saturday. a weekend. allow me.

i'm now tired. physically and mentally. i guess everyone would be able to see this. everyone.

i went for this particular dinner which i think of as nothing until it turn out to be actually a buddhist gathering meal. every believer. both female and male. all races i can see. is there. all bowing, kneeling and their palms together in worship. i did the same. merely just copying the actions. my dad, i think he wasn't sure what to do. but he acted like he knew. now i am convinced i am his son. totally.

before the dinner, there's this very long ceremony. lasted like one hour. where they requested everyone to held their palms together as they chant a protective curse as well as a blessing. like wow. everyone did that. some didn't. i guess some refers to me. i merely stared. one of the monk at the back. there was sixteen of them. one. fell aslp. i am sure. he was tapped on the shoulder.

then next? there's this confrontation session. or rather. meet-whichever-monk-you-want sesson. so. act like i know what to do. i followed my father. he brought me infront of this monk that look like a sixty old piece of crumpled skin being rolled on with ragged orange cloth.

he sprayed what i thought of was just plain water. and he started chanting. i was told to sit. so he looked relatively taller. great. he's thai. i need a translator before he starts to say those fucking freaking gibberish thai. and what do you know. my father was acting the translator. like wow. i'm so proud of having a dad that understands thai. but too bad. he's now allowed to be near me. so this guy. well dressed. clean looking. should be in his thirties came beside me. he sat down beside me like how a japanese would. and the chief monk took my hands. now i had to sit closer. looking at what i think to be a bull-dog. with spectacles.

terrific. the monk. he's the chief monk. the Lontar. sounds like it in thai. sorry if i got it wrong. but i'm infront of the monk with the greatest faith in the whole fucking temple. i gave him my name and birth date and he started mumbling what appears to me the worst thing i would ever want to hear.

the translator said:
" young man. you are now thinking of nothing. yet, your heart is filled with serious thoughts and frustrations, not willing to let people see and know, but i know."
he paused.

i thought. wow. how typical a start for a drama.

"you are trying to accomplish a mission. impossible mission. you are trying to please everyone around you. happy is what you want to see on their faces. your friends. your family. you want to please them all. you are greedy. you know you can't do that. but you can't bear to see either side to be sad with you or angry with you. you are selfish. you don't want people to be hurt by you. you know it yourself. in your heart. but your mind is the cause of whatever is causing you to be extremely unhappy. you want everybody to be pleased. you want everything to be what you actually expected."

i might just fall asleep. but it's actually grabbing my attention. getting my ears longer out to hear the specifics.

"on the scripts. this is not what life is about. you're unhappy because you know you have hurt everyone. yet you wanted everything to be as if everything has been through smoothly. you know. but you don't know the reason. the actual reason. everyone will blame you. this is your life. you are not to please people. you are to be blamed."

another pause. for a drink. both of them.

"you like to listen. you never like to talk. not when you don't feel the need"

the bull-dog sighs.

"that will make problems worse. when you talk. people are unhappy. when you don't. people are also unhappy."

he's trying to hint something. this is getting long.

"you should try to get the burden off. free yourself." he held tight of my hands and start chanting his thai shit. and then the water sprayed again. i was to leave. i was left speechless. he almost sounded like the oracle. i guess my father, too, heard something from his side of the monk. totally bizzared.

i was left thinking... during dinner... after dinner... on the way home... even now...

what is it?

i'm destined to be a monk?

i don't know? i don't want to know? don't feel like wanting to know?

or just couldn't be bothered.?

nah. better don't get myself into such things.

eerie.

hell no.

and i guess i will never be...