a little space i call my own

be strong

was tidying up my room, came across this piece that i wrote... thinking i should share this with everyone... if there is... haha... there is right? *knock knock*

I am calmer now. That phase has died down to a whisper i shan't bother heed. My breath escapes in unrythmic puffs. I am blinking too much. But i am calmer now. That is what matters. So perhaps i am in love. I should face it. It stares me in the face. Smiling even. To see it as it is insanity, and to turn away more so. I am insane in whichever way i think. Perhaps that is what love is. Euphoric Insanity. A kind of blissful dimensia. It makes sense i think. But i guess i am in no position to deliberate sense. Haha.

I will stop typing now. And then i'll dream about her somemore . Yes. I see her image so clearly. Not distorted in any way. Not like an image in a pond. With ripples. More like an image in a mirror. An old mirror your grandma kept and looked in as she brushed her hair through every night. White and pink. Adorned with lace and ribbon. See? that's soooo unneeded. I know. But yet i typed it. Its the stuff that i type about when i'm lost in love. Nostalgia and unneeded romanticism. I think i have accepted the fact that i'm in love. That's good. Sigh. The picture is still in my hands... Its edges curled and the picture yellow with age... Its amazing that i have it. We are never allowed such things in here. It's all white. And everything's so plain. Nothing like this. Nothing like my love...

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her.

I laugh to myself. They will do their usual spot checks. Like they always do every week. But then i'll keep it safe. Safe in my arms. In my cradled fingers. With me. Only me. My love will never be out of the safety of my hands. My knuckles turn white as i clench the picture in my palm.

The purple and blue capsules are still beside the table. I won't eat them. I hate those stuffs. I never like them and never will. They taste sour and bitter and the same time. I can't swallow... So i chew... and my tongue taste horrible in my mouth for hours after. But then i remember what happened the last time. I shudder in the thought. ARH! . . . stop . . . argh . . . i must eat them. I will not allow them to push their hands down my throat. I don't need the medicine. really. seriously. why can't they see that? well i'm sure she does. Doesn't she. She smiles back at me, like she always do. She's never mad at me. I am so blessed. Thank you god. The siren blares overhead and i know it is time to return. Maybe tomorrow i shall play chess... or just lie down and watch television... They have many things around here to do. I smile slowly to myself, whatever i do doesn't matter. I have my sweetheart with me. I slip her slowly carefully into my shirt pocket. And make my way back to my room. I am shivering. They say it happens whenever you don't take your medicine. I can hear their arbitrary voices rattle on and on. HA.! what do they know. I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love... I'm in love...

" strange thing it was , just dropped dead right there ... "

" sad. "

" don't matter. Just means his cell is empty. God knows we need more room. "

" i know... still.. why anyway? why did it happen? "

" dumb fucks... don't even know what's good for you... stopped taking his pills... His blood pressure was through the roof... "

" he got any family? "

" nah. . . not that we know of... But we found a picture in his pocket... "

" who's ? "

" haha. some movie star whore from the 60s... No idea how he got it in... "

" hm.. well though.. "

" yeah.. he was gripping it so hard.. had to pry his fingers off. dumb fuck. he's dead and we still had to get 2 guys to open his fist "

" haha. . . "

" he was smiling... spooky shit if you ask me... "

" haha.. weird ass.. you'd think he's in love or something... "

" haha.... "
______________________________________________________________________________________________

something really bad must happen to me, in order for people to notice me. if not, i guess i will be just so alone in this freaking big world that i am living in.
nobody will feel my presence.

*poof*